BROKEN

I haven’t posted in a while and that is because a number of things that I will try to explain. Not to long ago my southern belle and I split up.  I should clarify that I was the one that ended it……….. I’m not really sure why im writing this now but I used to write all the time in my own private note books and now this is my way to vent. I have no clear reason why I ended our relationship other than what was said between her and I when we last spoke……….. We spoke once before about how we felt as if we were “broken” as a result of our past relationships and how badly they fucked us up. Ever since the Ex and I split I haven’t been quite right but I do feel as if i’m happy with who I am. I could go into a long winded explanation of why I feel broken but it wouldn’t make any difference. If you have ever been on the dumped side of a long term committed relationship then you’ll understand. Mine just so happened to include my five year old and a newly purchased home when it fell apart in front of my eyes. The point being that after a year a fighting, crying, pleading, screaming, and what seemed like a constant state of hopelessness, you just feel all used up and “broken”.  Life is really fucking hard to put back together after something like that……. I am and always will be a  family man and I had what I always wanted, a soon to be wife, beautiful son, home to call our own, and a profession and job that I love deeply. That all seemed to slip away from me bit by bit and the harder I tried to put it all back together or at least learn a new way to have it all work the worse it became. I felt like a piece of shit, worthless, and a failure as a father and significant other because, I let this happen? I don’t know……… maybe I should have been stronger and stood up for what I wanted but thats all in the past now. ……….

So here I am over two years later and trying to date other women to move on with my life and complete the aspect of my life that I feel is why I am here.  I suck at it now, I have met some amazing women. Some are more of a match with me then others but all have been great girls, great mothers, and accomplished in their lives. So whats the problem? Me……….. I have realized though that the point of dating is to meet people and decide if you think you want to continue seeing that person and maybe even see a future with that person. I believe that is what I am trying to do however it really fucking sucks when the last four women I’ve dated for any length of time, it has been be ending the relationship. I don’t get off on it or have some deep fucked up notion and desire to hurt others as I have been(trust me I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist for this).  I just date and get to know someone and decide that its not going to work out. Just because you meet a great person, does not mean your going to marry that aforementioned person.  Right? I don’t know, like I said I’m emotionally fucked.